I never told you this, never told anyone this. It pains me to know that I ever felt this way.
There I was, nearly two years ago, hard-hearted and hurt and angry. David had been deployed for a year already and he’d taken just about the last leave he possibly could. That’s what he always does, but this was a long deployment and he shouldn’t have been away so long. For a few days, we were joyous, but then, like it always does, something happened and we didn’t even speak to each other for over a week. So much anger, so much hurt, so much misunderstanding. He did not leave again on good terms. It was bad enough that when I discovered I was pregnant a few weeks later, I didn’t want to be. I knew what was in store for us in the coming months. I knew how hard his coming home was going to be, and I did not want or need another baby complicating things further.
I wished I wasn’t pregnant. And then I spent the entire rest of my pregnancy praying for that baby’s health, praying that God would not punish my selfishness by taking this baby away from me, praying for forgiveness.
I cried with relief when I first felt him stirring in my womb, and the tears mingled on my cheeks with the tears of pain and longing for a marriage still reeling from the effects of separation.
All the long months, I prayed for my unborn child and I prayed for forgiveness and I wondered how this child would be, who’d never heard his mother laugh, who’d listened all this long time to the beating of a broken heart. I wondered and I prayed and I cried.
When he was born, I did not fall in love with him the way I had with my other children. There is something quieter between us, love, certainly, but also an understanding that I don’t deserve him. I am always grateful that he loves me anyway, but I am also always conscious of the fact that I did not want him. How could he not know that, he who is so intimate with me that we have shared the same body? How do I make that up to him?
Not long ago, in the midst of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, I turned my face toward the crucifix and I felt myself saying to God, “I wouldn’t mind another child.” I nearly laughed out loud with the joy of it, the pleasure of a simple yes. I will always mourn what was lost by my selfishness, by my no, but I think there is redemption in a yes. I hope He gives me another chance someday. I will understand if He does not, but I still hope for second – or eighth – chances.
Each time I see him, each time I hold him, I wonder at the value of this single human life, this baby boy entrusted to my care against my will. What is God’s plan for him? What lives will he touch? What souls will only he be able speak to? What is hidden in the mists of his future?
I know, with certainty, that whatever else he is, whatever else he may become, he is the one who saves me from myself.
You are not the only one who had the “OH, why did I get pregnant” feelings once your planned pregnancy came true. So, are you hinting that #8 is in the works or has happened?
I have been wanting to ask you now for about 4 weeks if you was. It’s a gut feeling I have!
Funny –i had that same feeling about you…
And i think this piece is beautifully and honestly written. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life.
HUGS
No, no baby in the chute.
The loss sweetie is in you own heart, not his. He is a beautiful baby, sweet, loving and filled with joy. He knew when he was part of you that you hurt, that you were lonely and needed his Daddy. He knew that and he has been there for you – loves you unconditionally and with a joyful heart and smile. He knows that you and he have a different and special bond. He knows that you think he saves you but in reality you save each other.
Let the hurt and guilt go – love him for himself and the beauty and joy he brings to everyday. That’s what he knows and feels now – I have seen him look at you with adoration and love and I have seen you look at him the same way.
Love you,
Mommy
He’s a great little guy and I love him more than anything, but he also represents a lot of loss for me and I wish he didn’t. I don’t know what I’d do without him, though!
I did take this particular thing to confession. I just wish there was more to my penance than a Hail Mary and an Our Father.
I have never posted here before–but I wanted to tell you I have experienced the same thing. When my “baby” was conceived (she’s nearly 3 now) it was a complete surprise and shock. Literally, how did this happen??? As far as I knew, the date of her conception was an impossibility. My oldest was 2.5, and my twins had just turned 1. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted. I cried when I took the test. I so did not want another baby. I even remember thinking, well, it’s possible I’ll miscarry. (How horrible!) Thank God my husband was very supportive–though shocked and worried too! (My mother was not.) But about 1/2 way thru the preg. I was given peace–that sounds hokey but really it’s the only way I can describe it! The rest of the pregnancy was the most peaceful, joyful time I can remember. I was still exhausted, worried, overwhelmed, but I knew that God would give me the strength. And He did–though it wasn’t easy of course having 4 little ones under 3.5 years old! (though honestly the twins’ first year was harder!) Her middle name is Theodora, which means gift of God, because she is such a marvelous, completely undeserved gift. She is the joy of our whole family.
But then this past summer, I again conceived unexpectedly, and was overjoyed. And then I miscarried at about 6 weeks. And as sorrowful as I was, I was so glad that I had wanted and loved the baby–as I had not at the beginning of my 3rd pregnancy. I was so glad I had not miscarried the baby I had dreaded. I think the guilt would have been horrible. So I think my light (at the end of the tunnel : )) came earlier than yours–but yours is there too, and God is full of mercy. And your baby is in no way injured by your fears–if anything perhaps he learned acceptance of God’s will from you even before he was born!
I’m sorry–I know this is really too long–but I wanted to thank you for sharing your story–I know how hard it can be–and let you know you’re not alone! And God is always good.
Oh, gosh, I cried reading this, Jennifer, and thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for your lost child, but oh, yes, how much worse it would have been if that baby had been unwanted!
Do you think that maybe the feelings you have are your penance? And do you think that maybe you have fulfilled you penance?
I love you Jennie.
I remember that deployment (our husbands were in the same brigade). It was way too long, and mine came home on leave only two weeks before yours did, so I know what you mean about how it had been a ridiculously long time to be gone. We also conceived our son then. The pregnancy and baby preparation went very smoothly, aside from the fact that it became apparent about a month after he got home that my husband was not ok, and he was diagnosed with PTSD. The treatments have not always been easy. Everything with the baby went great, though.
No, my wishing I wasn’t pregnant moment came six years prior, when I was a single PFC, just home from my own deployment. I did not want to be pregnant. I didn’t even want kids (or so I thought, but what did I know at the age of 20?) I knew I could not balance being a soldier in a deploying unit with being a single parent, so I had to give up my military career. When I got out of the Army, I enrolled in the Civil Engineering program at a major university near my hometown, and that first semester, when I was so pregnant, I still did not really want to be.
My little girl was born right after finals, and the minute I saw her, looked at her beautiful little face, and held her for the first time, I was glad to have her. I didn’t even care that people in my lectures the following semester gave me strange looks for coming to class with her in a sling, nor that I was always tired from trying to balance the hectic life of an engineering student with single parenthood (and was only able to because my parents helped me a lot!) Ever since my girl was born, I’ve been grateful to have her. Sometimes even now, I look at her and wonder how I ever could have not wanted her. This is the sweet girl who was my reason to keep going during all three of my husband’s deployments (he and I got married when she was a baby), and she’s the best big sister ever, comforting her little bother when he’s sad, trying to teach him all kinds of things… she’s the best little girl I’ve ever known, and it tears me up that I didn’t want her. In my logical mind, I know that all that matters is that I want her now, and that I do the best for her that I can. I think the lesson to be learned in this is that we will have what we are meant to have, and the timing is not really up to us. That’s what I got out of it anyhow. It’s been a pretty important lesson for me over the years. For me personally, I try not to focus on the guilt of not wanting her at first, but on the important lesson I learned from it. That probably sounds simplistic to a lot of people, but it works for me.
Yes, David, too, had anger issues for over a year after he came home. He got back June 23 and I don’t think I had anything to laugh about until Christmas of that year, and still, for many more months, it was touch-and-go. It wasn’t the best environment for raising children, not the ones we already had and not the one on the way.
oh, jennie…i cried when i read this. God is so merciful and so good. Your love for your children pours from what you write-it is so apparent and so beautiful. I have no doubt that they feel the same thing every single day.
Yes, He is, and if I didn’t believe He was merciful, I’d have given up a long time ago.
Oh, Jennie, I promise you that time will heal this. Most definitely. I suspect in two years or so you will be posting and linking to THIS post and saying how you haven’t thought these thoughts in a very long time. ((HUGS))
I hope so.
Jennie, I just want to say this is a beautiful post. In my opinion, you have served your penance.
I don’t know about that. There isn’t anything to do to make it right, except love.
Jennie,
, while dealing with David reintegrating with the family AND moving at the same time.
This is one you need to forgive yourself for. God has forgiven you. And, really I don’t think there was anything to forgive. This wish of yours was not about not wanting another baby, it was about a marriage that was not where you wanted it to be. It was about the pain of separation, and the knowledge that you were not ready for the added stress of being pregnant (more emotional, tired), and having a new baby (doesn’t need to be explained
Deployments are hard. Reintegration can kill a marriage that stood strong through the deployment.
Having thoughts that this was not the time for a new baby is not the same thing as wishing your baby would die, or wishing the baby did not exist. Had Thomas been conceived at a more opportune time, you more than likely would have welcomed him whole heartedly. But, he wasn’t. He was conceived amid strife and difficulty. He is a blessing all the more because of the fact that you know how difficult it was for you to accept his arrival.
Try to remember that this was not about your Thomas at all. It was about your relationship with David. Forgive yourself, for really, there is nothing to forgive.
Having thoughts that this was not the time for a new baby is not the same thing as wishing your baby would die, or wishing the baby did not exist.
No, it’s not, and I prayed and worried for him harder than I ever have before, which kind of implies that I really did want him. I don’t even know why I feel the way I do.
Because we feel pain for everything we do, or even think, that might in some way hurt our children, emotionally or physically. It is a good trait for a mother to have, but it can consume you. It is hard to realize that something you did, or thought, might in some way hurt your child. Thoughts DO have an effect. They change the way we treat people, and sometimes make us less willing to love someone. However, when we change the way we think, we must forgive ourselves for those thoughts.
In Judaism, there are three things that must be done in order to be forgiven for something. I know that you’re Catholic, but I think this is something that all people can learn from. In Jewish tradition, God cannot forgive you for something you did against another person. You must ask the person’s forgiveness. You must change (not do it again). Finally, you must make amends. I think this process might help you forgive yourself.
1. Tell Thomas you are sorry. You should probably apologize to David, too. A lot of these thoughts were really about him.
2. You have already made this change.
3. I think that part of your amends has been the determination that you would be willing to have another child, as well as all the grieving you have done. However, I would go one step further. Find a women’s shelter that helps women who are facing unplanned pregnancies. (I know there is one in Louisville. They require women to get financial counseling, provide housing, help them find jobs, and either provide parenting classes or help them find adoptive parents. This is all to keep women from getting abortions.) Donate time or money to help this cause. Or, give of your time to help young children in the foster care system. Perhaps sew blankets for them or something.
You have done penance for your sin. You have confessed, and been forgiven by God. Now, you need to find a way to forgive yourself. I think that doing penance in a more physical and present way might help with that.
Kristina, I remember when I was pregnant with him, I was feeling very strongly that I ought to do something in support of life. One friend of mine goes up to the abortion clinic in Louisville every Saturday morning and she prays and redirects the few who change their minds to the crisis pregnancy center down the street. Two others work at a different crisis pregnancy center, answering the phones and counseling the women who call, steering them gently away from abortion. This is not the season of my life for such things, though, elbow deep, as I am, in the raising of the results my own pro-life position.
Those two ladies, though, tell me that the crisis pregnancy center is always in need of baby clothing and blankets and diapers and things. I can do that! I can make blankets and buy diapers and help support in some small another woman who is maybe feeling the same way.
Thank you.
I know I’m forgiven, and if I never had another baby, I wouldn’t think that God was punishing me for my negative thoughts. I just need to do something active, something positive, to make up for that.
Perhaps you are very tired and stressed and if you are like me, winter is a killer time. I get very depressed without my summer sun and the darkness that is winter and it brings out every thing that I harbor in my innermost thoughts. The darkness gives me too much time to think and some of the things I think about should not manifest themselves on the dark side.
Nah. I felt like this in the summer, too.
Gonna go from meddling to preaching:
“Come unto Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your soul.” (Matt. 11:28, 29)
Give it all to Jesus, Jennie…give the hurt and pain and guilt. Lay it all at the foot of the cross where His blood will cover it and His forgiveness will heal you. Did you specifically sin? Probably not. But the guilt is holding your soul hostage and you need to let Him carry it. He is more than capable. He loves you so much. Give it away. Let the love and peace of Jesus flood your soul and give you freedom….and rest.
HUGS!!!!
Jennie, your honesty and emotion is so beautiful. I nodded through my tears reading your post. All of your feelings are understandable given your circumstances. I’m glad you’re not discounting them – but yes, you probably do need to address them as you are and then allow God’s grace to heal your heart.
I can relate to so much of what you’re saying. My husband, though not a soldier, travels quite a bit on business. Being the sole parent at home requires everything of mom. Everything depends on mom to happen. Mom is the only one in charge. I think that as a result, the spiritual difficulties of wanting to control and the weight of responsiblity for everything can develop easily. At a time when we ought to be leaning more on God, our human inclinations and the needs of our families drive us to do more and be more on our own. I will pray for you, that you will be able to surrender yourself and these feelings more fully to God’s healing grace. And then do what you can do now!! Love Thomas more fully today, as you long to have been capable of from the start. It is impossible to know what he was able to perceive then; but possible to change what he experiences now.
I, for one, was so edified when you revealed that you had conceived during David’s leave. What a selfless wife and mother! I can only imagine the strain and difficulties of being deployed and then reintegrated, and you knew those well firsthand. Yet, you welcomed God’s gift for your family during that difficult time. For the rest of us, your pregnancy might have been seen as an inspiration and a call to deeper surrender. It was for me. Are you surprised? More proof that God can and will bring good out of EVERYTHING, even our imperfections and struggles.
Thank you for your witness, Jennie! With hugs and prayers~
Oh sweetie, don’t beat yourself up about this. I commend you on writing this very honest post. Your Hubby was leaving than there you are pregnant without the physical support of your great guy. I think is was the most human emotion to wish the pregnancy had not happened at this time. You’ve done your time, asked for forgiveness and God has wiped the slate clean forgiving you. Now, you have to let it go and forgive yourself.
I was going through my older post and you were one of my first comments which got me to thinkin’ about your and how you were doing. I just wanted to check in with you and your precious family.
You have a wonderful day and may God bless ya’ll!!!
Laura, Molly, and Nezzy, I’m trying. It’s not so much that I need to forgive myself as that I need to make up for what I see as a failure, a rejection, I guess, not only of baby, but also of God.
It’s been on my heart for a long, long time to write about this, but the catalyst for me this week is another woman who thinks she is pregnant and doesn’t want to be. I don’t know why she feels she can’t have another baby, I don’t know why she is rejecting this gift, but the not wanting is so painful, more so than any inconvenience a new baby poses, and I hope she got to read this side of the story, at least.
I’m so sorry. I do relate. I had a similar experience, when my oldest was 10 months old I unexpectedly became pregnant. In my case, I was in a marriage that was falling apart fast and I knew we would be splitting up soon. It was made doubly worse by the fact that my then husband had *not* wanted to use NFP, I had pushed for it, and he was very irritated that I was pregnant. (We did not follow NFP very well, it was not a method failure, it was a “my husband is pouting like a child every month because I’m daring to ovulate” failure) Anyway,,,I was very upset at being pregnant for these, and for other reasons. He was barred from re-enlistment in the military and we were getting ready to be discharged, etc. I ended up losing the baby at 7 weeks along, not even two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. He told me it was “just as well, we can’t afford another baby”. I left him 3 months later…we were never married in any church, just legally, and I realized then that I never wanted to marry such a person in the church anyway. So…that was that. The miscarriage was surprisingly painful, and I often wonder if the baby would have survived if it had been more wanted, or if my life at least had not been so unbelievably stressful at the time. At the same time, I probably never would have left him if I’d had two little babies…and I really needed to leave. And I sure love where my life is now, so…I don’t really know where I’m going with this.
Except to say that I’m very glad you have Thomas, and that we can’t really help the way that we feel, you know? We can’t be more than human.
I’m so sorry, Mel, for that lost baby. And I understand your problem with NFP.
{{{hugs}}}
I love you, too, Michelle.
This was such a great post; it truly resonated with me. I’ve written several times on my blog about how terribly upset I was when I found out I was pregnant. Like Jennifer, I went a step farther than you and thought “well, maybe I’ll have a miscarriage”. I had seriously not been married for two months and my husband and I were under a lot of “stress”- mainly just fighting like cats and dogs because, you know, those first few months are hard (esp. when one of you has pregnancy hormones and pregnancy energy levels, but doesn’t realize it).
I always knew I wanted to be a mother more than anything, but I really thought this was the wrong time for that. In those early months of my pregnancy, my husband, Peyton, and I had such a wrong view of having a child, of being parents. We had a very worldly view. A selfish view. A view that said a baby was an inconvenience, a burden, an obstacle in our path, a hindrance to our happiness.
I can say that I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. Her little life has given us more happiness than we knew we were capable of. Our path, we now realize, was divinely guided and planned better than anything we could have imagined for ourselves. If I have had burdens in my life, she has never been one of them. And any inconveniences that she has created in our lives have been canceled a thousand times by the blessings she has brought to us. She came at the perfect time.
Are there days when I wish I had gotten to teach school for a few years like I planned to? Yes. Are there times when I lament the fact that Peyton and I didn’t really learn to be husband and wife before we learned to be Daddy and Mommy? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t change a thing.
And my guess is you wouldn’t, either. God’s grace is sufficient unto EVERY need- praise him for that!
Well, I would change a thing or two, but not about the kids, only about me.
I’d be more patient and more loving and less prideful. I’m seeing lately that pride manifests itself in a surprising number of ways.
Oh, Jennie! (((hugs)))
I can only imagine how you feel. While my Craig is not gone for as long as your hubbie’s deployments, I still resent and sometimes have issues with him being gone almost every week for days. And I seem to find that its harder when I’m pregnant. Reading your post made me cry. I wish I could be as open as you are on my blog. Instead, I usually remain silent and just retreat. But I can completely relate to the bad goodbyes and later regret.
Praying that God heals you and helps you to feel that forgiveness that He HAS given you. But, luckily, love is a decision not a feeling, And so is His forgiveness.
I once received a penance (after spending much time on talking about Craig) that I had to pray for him everyday for a week and, specifically, list all his good qualities. My list grew bigger day by day. Maybe you could do that?
A few weeks ago my penance was to make my family’s favorite meal, with pretty table and all, to have make-up on and some wine for hubby and me. Poor new priest. I know he was really, really trying to help and couldn’t have imagined the argument his penance caused. I felt like I just needed to get this penance out of the way and done quickly so that absolution would be done. But it was not the most convenient night and the kitchen had to be cleaned up and little bit of anger ensued before sitting down to eat. It was not the “romantic” picture I’m sure the priest had in mind. In fact, I remember thinking, “Why couldn’t he just have given me a couple Hail Mary’s? Nobody’s appreciating this and family unity and coziness is just not happening tonight!” I cried and was so upset.
So, I guess I’m saying that I don’t think a “harder” penance always makes a difference. The problem with sin is that it just messes things up. Period. And we can’t erase it or make its effects go away, even if we are fogiven. The only thing we can do is accept God’s forgiveness and move on. And try to do better. I often think about St. Peter and his denial and later becoming Pope or Saul and his persecuting of Christians and later becoming St. Paul. I’m sure they still felt guilt and regret no matter how much god they did.
Nothing you can do will make it completely better. Only the cross. Only in Heaven will things be perfect. Just pick up your cross and start again. Its really the only thing we can do. And wait for the feelings to catch up with your actions.
Hope I don’t sound to preachy. I’m telling you everything I’ve been telling myself for weeks now. And I just gotta believe it because if not …… well, its true and things always get better. Just takes time.
Love you lots!!! Think and pray for you daily, really!!!! My kids think you live around here as much as I talk about you! LOL!
Off to find some kleenex. Loved your post but I’ll probably be crying all day whenever I think about it.
I’m reminded just now of a passage I read recently in the Diary of Sister Faustina. I don’t remember quite where, so I don’t have a direct quote, but Jesus scolded her for taking on mortifications without her confessor’s permission. He said it was disobedience. She was surprised when He pointed this out to her, and then disappointed when her confessor refused her these penances of her own choosing. She suddenly found herself struggling with obedience.
I have no small amount of trouble with this, too.
When I made this confession and talked about my feelings toward David and Thomas, the priest gave me a penance of saying a Hail Mary for each of my children and my husband, and right then, it was enough. I felt such peace sitting there in the empty church, praying for them that I love more than anything.
And I’m feeling right now that I’m once again in a state of disobedience.
I’ve got a lot to think about – and pray about – here.
I love you, Lillian. Keeping you and baby in my prayers!
Hi – I’ve been a lurker for awhile. I’m not sure how I found your blog but I did and I bookmarked it. I check in every so often. I’m usually interested in your farming adventures and hearing more about how you conquered debt, but I have to say this post rang true for me. I’m pg right now with a baby whose positive pg test was met with far less than enthusiasm (actually tears and “why me?”) and I feel guilty about that. Even today I feel kind of flat about the whole thing in my heart, even though I know intellectually that I will love this baby and in fact I already do. Of course I pray for his/her health and a good outcome for the pg. But here I still sit. Flat. The overwhelming gratitude of being given another life to nurture comes in flashes more and more frequently as I get closer to my due date of June 18, but it’s not there all the time and I worry. Anyways, thank you for this post. It struck a chord.