I’ve been lost, these past two years.
He came home from the war and he hated me and I didn’t know why, and there was no peace in my life, nowhere to go to get away from the anger and the pain that slept beside me every night. He broke me down with his anger and his hate, tore me up and left me lying there in the dust, in a million little pieces that I didn’t know how to put back together. He just left me there, broken.
I cried for such a long time.
Until the day I took off my wedding band. I didn’t cry anymore after that. I put on my own armor of anger and indifference to hide my brokenness from him. But I’m still broken. It’s hard to mend a heart, to heal a soul, all alone. And I’m so very tired.
I’m choosing, right now, to live for love.
I love the sun on the fields in the morning.
I love to be out of doors when a storm is coming in.
I love to work with him, side by side.
I love to read bedtime stories to my children.
I love to wrap slippery babies in freshly washed towels.
I love to cook dinner.
I love sit with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.
I love to milk my cows.
I love to know other people.
I love to listen to my chickens.
I love to hang laundry on the line.
I love a good book.
I love the work of the farm and the work of the home.
I love the life of the family and the life of the community.
And I’m trying, in my brokenness, to love him again, too. To really love him, faults and all. It’s so very hard to open myself up to that, to risk the shattering of this fragile life I’ve built.
But it’s just a shadow life, this living with and without him, hardly worth saving anyway.
So I’ve put back on my wedding band.
He never even noticed it was gone.
oh jennie – war is such an ugly, ugly thing, even for those who never see the frontlines.
prayers for both of you.
I’ve been praying for you both, you know…I know this pain has been niggling around in your posts for quite a while. Marriage is so beautiful and God-sent, and so unbelievably painful too.
Thank you for seeing through me, Mel.
Sometimes choosing to try again can be a healing thing, too. It gives you a chance to be brave in the face of something fearful. I will pray that things will be mended again for you both.
I don’t have any words so just know that you’re in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry you hurt. You’re in my prayers.
Mommies can’t fix everything and this is something I wish I could help with. I am sharing a cry with you and holding you close and loving you with all my heart – even from NJ.
Life is fragile and love even more so. It is hard to love through the hard times and it hurts.
I know he will read this and hopefully it will be an opening for both of you.
The fragile love is repairable with hard work, the fragile life is not.
God grant you the time and patience to find the love again.
I love you so very much my first born.
Mommy
Jennie,
I only pop in every now and then. But, I felt the need to comment. Choosing to love what a wonderful gift to give herself, your hubby, and your marriage.
You are in my prayers…I know this brokeness all to well. Fortunately, through acts similar to yours (minus the cow) we are mended and whole again. Gob be with you!
you are an amazing woman, wife, and mother, your words are honest, beautiful, and so full of emotion. it’s got to be so hard. . . I will remember you guys tonight in my little chat with God.
take care.
Many hugs and prayers. It is so very hard and we are the uncounted casualties.
That’s just right, KC. Uncounted casualties.
Thank you so much for the love and prayers and empathy. I have the very best imaginary friends. And I’m praying for you, too.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Did I tell you that recently Bill attended a semiar and one speaker says that, psychologically, it takes TWO YEARS to recover from a one year deployment? And, of course, many soldiers return to theater again and again before those two years are up, so you have this horrible cumulative effect. And he was only talking about SOLDIERS, not families, who not only have their own battle scars, but have to live with someone who is suffering. And those are only average times.
I hope you are over the worst and that in another year or so, you will look back at old blog posts and not recognize yourself or your marriage. Bill has been home now for 6 months (from a 6 month deployment), and things are, usually, back to normal – but not the way they used to be. A new normal. Every now and then, though, we have really bad days. And the thought of him ever going again makes me want to vomit. But with friends all around me with deployed spouses – one whose husband was home for only 2 months before heading back out for a second one year deployment – I count my blessings and am so very thankful that most days are good days.
I’ve never stopped praying for you, and will keep on.
I’m sorry that you had and have to go through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers! May it get easier soon!
I know a bit of what you mean. Our husbands were in the same brigade for the most recent deployment. It was a nasty one for a lot of people for sure. It was my husband’s 3rd tour in Iraq, and they were all in rapid succession (but you were at Ft. Stewart, too… you know they don’t do it any other way there.) I went through a lot of this same type of thing when my husband got home, too. It was pretty bad at times, but just like you, I always find the right answer is to choose love. It’s the only thing that works.
I will say, though, that I have been a soldier myself before, and served in Operation Enduring Freedom. With that in mind, this could well be the toughest battle ever, yet could there ever be one more worthwhile? No, I think not.
Oh, dear, dear Jennie.(((hugs))) And prayers. I wish I had more to give you.
Praying for you dear friend. Lots of hugs.
Jennie,
I am so sorry to hear how rough it has been. I’ll definitely keep up the prayers.
Thanks, ladies. And sorry about the delay in reply, Michelle, but TWO YEARS?! I believe it, but that’s incredible. And sorrowful. I think there are probably an awful lot of families that don’t stick it out that long.
If you don’t mind Jennie, I would like to thank all your wonderful blog friends for their kindness and compassion. You are truly a remarkable group of friends and is wonderful to know that you are praying for Jennie and her family and offering you kind word.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Jennie’s Mom, Linda
I don’t mind. They really are great.