The cashier at the grocery store was an older woman and she looked admiringly at Megan and said, “She’s such a beautiful girl.” And then she added what is quite possibly the most bizarre indictment against homeschooling I’ve ever heard: “It’s a shame she’s homeschooled. Think of all the boys who don’t get to enjoy looking at her!”
“She’s ten,” I said patiently. “She doesn’t need to be worrying about boys just yet.” In my mind, I was casting for a deeper answer, thinking of the cultural pressures on children to begin dating at an early age and the effects of this pressure on the children themselves and on the larger society: promiscuity, low self-esteem, teen pregnancy, abortion, single motherhood, entire generations of irresponsible and uncommitted men, entire generations of children raised by daycare providers and public school teachers, divorce and the critical failure of the most basic unit on which civilization is built: the family. I don’t believe I’m exaggerating. There is really no “safe” level of romantic interaction between the sexes. One thing will always lead to the next, and I’d much prefer that my children be children as long as possible. They’ll have the whole rest of their lives to be grown up. But the checkout line is not really the place for this conversation, so I kept my (very strong) opinions to myself.
A minute later she made some other remark that boiled down to the very common “socialization” issue. I laughed out loud. “We just came from a homeschool group meeting of some fifty children,” I said, much to the relief and delight of this woman. This always baffles me, though. Homeschoolers don’t live in a bubble. We go shopping and talk to strangers. We go to church and talk to elderly people and nuns and public-schooled kids. We join clubs and start groups and meet people who share some interests but differ in others. We find opportunities to practice charity every day. Even in the checkout line. Most of us are pretty good people.
A few minutes later, I was herding my little crew of wandering children toward the door. Two Korean woman stopped me to comment on my large family and to ask, “Are you done yet?” Talk about socialization issues. When did it become acceptable to discuss the sex life of a perfect stranger in a public place in the presence of children? I answered as politely as one can in such situations and moved on. When I related all this to David later, he said, “You should have embarrassed them. Next time, say, ‘My husband is hung like a horse. I just can’t get enough of him!’”
I wish I could. But I’m too well socialized.
It is amazing to consider some of the things people think it is acceptable to ask, isn’t it? I quite like David’s answer, but much like you, I wouldn’t be able to say it in the situation.
Jen~
Can I just say that I am so inspired and in awe of what you have done and continue to do. Mark and I have often talked about how we wish we would have done things “the cooper way”. I think you have given your children a beautiful gift…a void of the things discussed above. We have really struggled with our two younger girls in this socialized society and often feel much guilt over the over-exposure they have been privvy to. I think you are AWESOME!
Aw, thanks, Melissa.
It’s really difficult to shield children from all these grown-up things they don’t need to be privy to. They’re exposed to it on television, in the mall, at the checkout line, in their video games. Protecting their innocence takes an awful lot of vigilance and sacrifice. It would really help if other parents made a commitment; there is power in numbers, but, sadly, there’s more money in sex.
David sounds like my husband — very confident! People do say the rudest things. Next time act astonished and say “You didn’t say: (what they said)? No, I didn’t think you did.”
I like that very much, Barbara. Except I think I’m going to just substitute, “You didn’t just ask a perfect stranger about her sex life in front of her children in the middle of the grocery store, did you?” Then I shall walk away shaking my head and muttering, “And they say HOMESCHOOLERS are unsocialized.”
(snickering and snorting) Hubbie would make a comment like that, now wouldn’t they? And we, in our polite ways, avoid answering those questions.
And HEAR HEAR! You are so correct. I get tired of answering the socialization issues my kids might face. Is that all they are worried about? I thought school was a place of learning, not socializing? My front yard has more kids playing on it some days than a school yard because my kids know how to make friends. (Amazing isn’t it?)
I never thought about the answering the question, “are you done?” in that light before either. You are so correct! Wow… I need to work on my responses a bit because people really shouldn’t ask that just because of a large amount of kids running around. I love the looks I get with all the cousins and my kids together. Bwahahaha! Which are mine?
Take care!
Dee
The children at our church just love being with our kids. Our kids love each other and it really shows. They take care of each other, accept each others differences, and have a genuine interest in one another. They express this same attitude toward others as well, and why not? They don’t know any different! Other children like being with ours so well because they can be themselves and still be liked. No pressure. That’s a pretty special thing, and I’m guessing there’s a lot of that going at your house, too.
Funny we just went to a restaurant and I saw a woman with 5 kids sitting so quitely and well behaved and someone said at our table I wouldn’t have the nerve to do that. To which I said I bet they are home schooled. You think she said,
We used to do petting zoos and were invited one time to one with a group of home schooled kids and trust me I would do a hundred zoos with those kids than the ones that were well socialized…that is why we quit doing them was the unbehaved socialized children with no disipline.
Keep up the good work only wish I had done the same thing years ago.
Next time you get a comment like you did before say Why did you quit?
I had this socialization question (more like accusation) this past week as well. I homeschooled my daughter for 1st grade because the public schools out here are awful. We’re sending her to a charter school next year because she was recently diagnosed with a language delay and a learning disability stemming from it, and well… I have an engineering degree, which pretty much means I have absolutely no expertise on educating anybody, far less special needs kids. Plus, we didn’t like homeschooling. It’s not for us.
We met with the principal of the school the other day because our daughter did not perform to “standard” on their admissions exam. (Shocking. Give a kid who doesn’t read a written exam, and she can’t do it. Who’d have thunk it?) They want her to do first grade again, which is fine since she only made the age cut-off for second grade by a matter of days, so she’s really closer in age to most of the first graders. When I asked about having her receive speech and language therapy through the school, this principal goes, “Well, she was homeschooled. She hasn’t been around anyone else in over a year. Of course she doesn’t talk. Who would she talk to?” I wanted to slap her. I really did. I guess it was just a figment of my imagination that my daughter has been in cheerleading, swimming lessons, art classes, playdates with friends, and anything else you can think of… Why do people think homeschooled kids live in a box? It doesn’t make sense.
I don’t know, and that’s shockingly ignorant for a public educator to say such a thing. Clearly, this person has no knowledge of child development. I hope your daughter gets what she needs from her new school.
And, really, does the principal think YOU didn’t talk to her??? My oldest started talking when he was 6 months old. Who was he talking to? He was talking to me, his father, and every toy he could find.
The next one didn’t start talking until he was almost 2, even though he had an extra person to talk to. *sigh*
I agree, and thank you.
Even my mom, who’s a professor of early childhood education, and taught in the public schools for years prior to that, was shocked by that woman’s comments. She asked for her office phone number. I gave it to her. I have a feeling things are going to turn out just fine. My mom has a way about getting these things done, and is VERY particular about her granddaughter.
First, I would consider her not being eye candy a BENEFIT to homeschooling. Ugh. But, on the “Are you done, yet?” question- I’ve thought this of complete strangers, but never asked it. I’ve thought it, not because I think it is bad to have a large family, but because I LOVE large families, and I so want them to NOT be done having children.
I wish that my husband and I were on the same page on this, but since we’re not, I’ll bow to his desire to not have any more children. In the meantime, I’ll continue to admire and love large families.
You know, the easiest way to encourage large families is just to say, “You have a beautiful family.” It’s simple, it’s sweet, it’s probably true, and it’s about the only remark people make that really touches my heart, because I know there’s so much more behind it, even if they don’t say anything else. But often, they do. Anyway, that’s how we first met our beloved Pat, who has become adopted Grandmother to our children and one of my best friends. She just walked up to us after church our second week here and said, “Thank you for having a big family.” I was flabbergasted, but it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
And I think you are a beautiful woman, both for wanting the children and for respecting your husband’s wishes anyway. I’m glad to know you, Kristina.
I hate that I got behind reading! I love it when you post facebook links – it keeps me in touch!
This had my husband and I rolling. You guys are fun.
my husband and ME. Sorry. That bugged me. And my husband.
You’re silly.