Thomas is eighteen months old and he has suddenly and stubbornly hit the Terrible Twos full-on. Generally, we don’t have much of a problem with this stage. I believe firmly that it’s just frustration brought on by blossoming independence coupled with an inability to communicate well. Basically, children at this age are misunderstood. Knowing that, it’s not too difficult to avoid the situations that bring on the frustration (and the tantrums). Usually. But Thomas is a bit of a special case.
While most of my children began speaking according to the usual child development schedule enjoyed by pediatricians, my last two children (both girls) were very verbal at a very young age. At four months old, I could tell by the rhythm of their language that they were speaking in sentences, even though I couldn’t understand the words. By nine months old, my babies and I were communicating pretty well. By twelve months, their diction was good enough that even Davey could understand them, and he’s not known for his ability to converse with toddlers. I had a theory that these unusually strong verbal skills had something to do with the fact that I’d begun reading literature aloud to the children and these two had been immersed in beautiful language their whole lives, even since conception. But, alas, Thomas had the same benefits, as far as that goes, and he has only just begun speaking in sentences and I still can’t understand a word he says, except “shoozh”, which he likes to wear at all times in case someone should leave a door open and he has an opportunity to slip outside.
He started in with the tantrums about two weeks ago. Anytime his plans are thwarted, he screeches in anger, flings himself down on the floor, and flails his little legs in the direction of someone or something that can be injured or knocked down. After hitting his head on the hard tile floor the first two times, he became more deliberate about how he gets down there – it’s like a tantrum in slow motion – but once it gets going, it’s hard to stop. The best thing to do is to avoid the whole scene in the first place, and the best way to do that is to find a way to say yes.
Oh, I’m not saying you should give in to your toddler’s blackmail and give him anything he wants. But sometimes, what he wants really isn’t so bad, and it’s okay to say, “Yes!” Unpacking all the tupperware or stacking the pots or playing pick-up-sticks with a package of straws, for example, or putting on “shoozh” when it’s almost time for bed – there’s really no harm in any of it. But when he wants to crack the eggs on the floor one at a time and play in the goo or when he wants a handful of chocolate chips but it’s almost dinner time or he wants to play with his sister’s piggy bank on that hard tile floor, well, it’s time to redirect. You can still say, “Yes!” You just have to say it to something else. He’ll be okay with that most of the time.
The other important thing to remember is that, even though you may not be able to understand your toddler very well, he has an excellent grasp of what you are saying. Don’t underestimate the usefulness of that. For instance, last night, our neighbor brought over a bag of fresh corn and Tommy loves corn straight out of the husk. He wanted some, indicated by a grunt and a gesture in the general direction of the bag and an earnest looking-into-my-eyes. Sadly for Tommy, I was carrying him up to bed and the timing was all wrong. “It’s time for bed now,” I told him, “but you can have some of that corn in the morning when you wake up.” He popped his thumb in his mouth and relaxed, satisfied with that. And what will it hurt me to let him eat raw corn for breakfast?
Most of Tommy’s tantrums come from the fact that I misunderstood what he wanted in the first place and didn’t respond appropriately to his needs and concerns. If the two of us are going through this in one sane piece, I’m going to have to pay extra attention to his nonverbal cues to know what he’s after, and then he can understand why I’d prefer he do something else and I can redirect appropriately. It’ll probably help that I really love this stage. What a wonder it is to watch a baby blossom into his own person! And by the time it’s all over, he’ll be talking well enough to let me know what’s on his mind, and the things on the minds of two-year-olds are pretty hilarious.
This is the good stuff. Right here. Terrible and all.
I’m with you all the way! Jeff tries so hard to talk. At 13 months, he does pretty well with stringing sounds together. Understanding it is a different story altogether!
With my 2nd oldest, I was just too inexperienced to understand this communication gap that caused him so much frustration. Instead of bridging that gap, I entered into a battle of wills with him. I won, but I sometimes wonder…at what cost? The poor guy had an insane amount of ear infections and his impaired hearing left him with impaired speech for the first few years. We were amazed that at three years old, he seemed to suddenly outgrow his fits of passions, but I realize now that at three years old, he could finally hear us (the infections stopped that year) and could communicate with us.
His fits were sometimes comical. All of the kids in our youth group joked that he was like a fainting goat. If someone he didn’t like approached him – *BOOM* – down he went, wailing, forehead grinding into the floor.
Have three boys, I’ve naturally compared the ages of their milestones, but not in a positive/negative way, just to see how they compare. Our youngest, at 22 months is just now trying to form words. He tries, and I can tell when he’s trying to make words instead of just making sounds. I try to really pay attention when he’s communicating. But BOY, he understands everything I say. I ask if he wants to set the table, and he goes right to the cabinet with plates and points saying “pate”. And he knows where everyone’s place at the table is, etc. He can’t talk yet, he tries, but we certainly communicate with each other
. I enjoy your insights from mothering all your beautiful children Jennie!
These tantrums must be a boy thing. My son is 20 months old, and he hit the tantrum phase, oh, about 3-4 months ago. Just like you said, he’ll kick and flail, and hit people, and throw things. It’s not usually because we don’t understand him, because compared to his older sister (who is speech and language delayed, and didn’t say a single word until she was about 3) Orren is a very effective communicator. In his case, it’s just because there are certain things he can’t do, like harass the dog, or pull his sister’s hair, or run in the street, and that really bothers him. LOL Little boys are so strong willed! I can’t wait until I can get him into playing football so he can put all this strong energy into something positive.
They’re not a boy thing. When Brenna was a toddler, she could go on for 45 minutes, crying and kicking and screaming! But, like Jenn, I considered it a battle of wills at that point and I did win, but there is something crushed in her, too, and I regret that.
I’m finding (or relearning, because I’m pretty stubborn myself sometimes) that Tommy just wants to be a part of things, and he does do naughty things like throw toys and pull hair when he’s not being properly “socialized”.
So I’ve been making it a point to let him participate in the work of the family and he’s been remarkably even-tempered. (Well, there was that fit over the marker this morning, but never mind that.) When I washed dishes this morning, he sat on the counter licking out bowls and playing in the water. When I made bread later, I gave him and Penny each a half a ball of dough and they poked and squished and punched them into funny looking little loaves that got baked right alongside the good loaves. He enjoys helping with the laundry and I think he’ll really love being in the barn at milking time (with another adult to supervise, of course!)
Find a way to include your little guy, even if it means a little more work for you. I think you’ll find he’s a happier, more manageable baby.
My first and third children were like this, too. I took much the same approach–say yes to as much as I can and roll with the tantrums when they occur. Just today we had a crying, screaming fit because crayons are a No (because he eats them, which can’t be good). But that’s just life when you’re almost-2. It’s hard being the baby and growing up isn’t easy!
Sure could wish for another one like my second child. She was the easiest little one you could wish for. Her baby and toddler-hood was like falling off a log, it was so easy! I told my mom I’d have a baby every year if they were as easy as she was!
Will is 11 months old and his tantrums are a sight to behold. You tell him the dreaded word, “no”, and he begins screaming. He even breaks out in hives during some of his fits because he gets so angry. Seriously.
This post made me laugh and also made me glad that I am not alone in this adorable, so much fun, and yet EXHAUSTING phase!!
Angie was never a tantrum thrower. She was a rules kid, so if you told her the rule, she stuck with it. Maddie, however, is quite the opposite and will throw tantrums. Redirecting doesn’t always work. She’s very verbal and has been speaking understandably since about 18 months, so it’s not a case of being misunderstood, but of not being allowed to do certain things.
Yes. Exactly. Because this is the age that they start to discover they are PEOPLE! All by themselves! Entirely separate from mama! And they want to assert that new independence and make they’re own decisions and (in our case) wear shoes whenever they want! So this is when you have to decide how much it really matters whether or not they do this particular thing. If it’s dangerous, of course, stick to your guns. But if it’s at all possible to say yes, it’s much better, I think, for both mama and baby, to just let it go as much as possible.
My Miss Maria is 19 months old. She has screaming fits where she rolls about the floor. I agree, much of the time she’s just misunderstood. She says at least 50 words that we understand, but there are still plenty of times that we don’t get it anyway. Mostly times when she’s sleepy and doesn’t know what she wants, only she’s just SO sure it’s not to go to sleep. lol My husband considers ‘subduing’ her a battle of wills, a matter of crushing and controlling, but I try to say yes when I can because I don’t want to do that to her if I can help it. I say, yes, you can play with a potful of change instead of this marker. Or yes, you can sit in the chair and eat a snack instead of standing in the chair trying to turn the burners on the stove. We work out compromises when we can that make us both reasonably content. Having her ‘work’ alongside me is helpful. Sometimes I loose sight of that or just don’t want to go for the extra mess (I’m 36 weeks pregnant), but it works wonders with her attitude. She threw a howling fit when I last cleaned the bathroom because she wanted to eat the Soft Scrub, until I got the brilliant idea to let her clean the mirror with a wet paper towel I’d used to clean a higher up mirror. It kept her happy for ten minutes, ten minutes I might just as easily have left her screaming on the floor. It takes creativity and extra work on Mama’s part, but you can reduce the amount of screaming fits.
You are doing a GREAT job, Emily! And only four weeks till baby’s due date? I know these are the very longest weeks of all, but that’s so exciting!
“it’s like a tantrum in slow motion”
Ha! Yes, I’ve seen a few of those.
My daughter’s little girl is 15 months and going through much of this. I keep telling her mommy that she is frustrated about not being able to communicate. She talks in long strings of sentences (in her own language that is), but has very few real words. My own kids at this age had a lot of words (my son even had a clear and distinct “yes” at 13 months) so this is sort of new to all of us. We always thought that being read aloud to was the key to early language, but LW has been read aloud to a lot and the language is still slower in coming.
My daughter herself herself threw head banging tantrums before she was a year old, so our granddaughter’s passionate personality probably was to be expected. She bites her own fingers as well as trying to scratch other people’s faces when she’s frustrated. We keep encouraging gentle redirection and holding and most of the time it works. My daughter is a super patient mommy, but I know that this passionate stage is hard for her.
Some of the time it feels like our granddaughter thinks that the adults around her are a bunch of stupid giants who just can’t understand what she clearly wants. I really support continuing to explain to her that we do understand, but that sometimes she can’t have what she wants, or at least (like with the raw corn story above) can’t have it right now. Substitution, re-direction, gentle firm holding all take time an energy on the parent’s part. There’s such a temptation to simply dump them in another room and shut the door. In the long run, though (and this is a lesson I learned, albeit poorly sometimes, from my own mother-in-law) those sorts of positive actions do have a pay off.
Thank you so much for adding your perspective, Liz.